Infamy
by Beau Menteur
Summary: In the aftermath of Emperor Lelouch, the world is repairing and rebuilding itself. Ikidori, however, is traumatized and in need of someone to blame for it. Please see my profile for content/trigger warnings.


それは、いのちの冠を受けるのは彼であるために賛美される、誘惑に抵抗する人です

_"Blessed is the man who resists temptation, for it is he who will recieve the crown of life."_

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><p><em><strong>Japan; April 9<strong>__**th**__**, 2021**_

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><p>It lasted eight years.<p>

Eight chaotic years, overpouring with discrimination. Eight painful years, tainted by the murders and sacrifices of the innocent. Japan, planet Earth, and pure society itself came crumbling to pieces, burying its citizens under a mass of lies. When we, the Japanese, discovered a masked savior, who went by the alias of Zero, we believed our shattered nation would be restored. The enemy Brittanians feared Zero; he overcame their challenges with poise and stability. With the rebellious Black Knights supporting him, and countless other Elevens, he found the Brittanians at his mercy, but always believed that those who kill should be ready to die themselves. After the short reign of Princess Euphemia li Brittania, commonly known as the Princess Massacre, came to an end, he promised us the new Japan would be a nation of acceptance; one which would welcome all those who sought its refuge, regardless of race, creed, or doctrine. A nation where strong would never reign over the weak, he told us.

Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia came into power soon after, and his desire for bloodshed and destruction made the acts of the Princess Massacre seem like minor papercuts. Even Britannians hated him, including his sister and old friends. He murdered a large portion of the Black Knights; approaching the end of his tyrannical rule, lasting nearly two months, he had united the world and planned a public execution of the leaders of the Black Knights and the U.F.N. They were planned to be shot to death, which would have also resulted in the death of Empress Tianzi, a mere child, but moments beforehand, Zero appeared. He killed Emperor Lelouch, slaying him with a sword. There was rejoice.

The chants of those who witnessed it still haunt me; I did not celebrate along with them.

"Zero! Zero! Zero!"

They were all screaming. Women were huddling with their children and crying of joy, and the captives were released. The blood of the emperor spilled, leaking and imbedding itself in the ground, staining the shoes of those who celebrated. I remained still. I did not want any blood on _my _shoes; not even that of the man who slaughtered so many. Zero stood proudly, and I imagine that underneath his mask, he was smiling to himself. My mother gripped my hand in hers, and began sobbing into her other hand, chanting along.

Not an inch of my mind or heart bore any remorse for the slain dictator; it still does not, and I doubt it ever will. Something panged in my heart, however, as I watched our _hero _accept the praise and glory that came with his deed. Had Zero not dissapeared for a year, and then returned just several months ago? Where had he been over that course of time, whilst we continued to suffer under the Britannian liege? Although I was only thirteen years old, I was an Eleven, and I knew something was wrong. He swore to stand up for the weak, but he was not there in our time of need. While his Black Knights were being hunted for and killed, he did nothing, and was nowhere to be found.

Upon Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia's death, a new ruler came to power; Princess Nunally li Britannina, Lelouch's younger sister. With her brother dead and the world becoming peaceful, she used the new, more-calm energy to reconstruct our nation. She kept her brother's killer Zero as her aid, showing no resentment towards him. She led us to an evolution; she gained our respect, even as a , at age fifteen, I find myself living as I had in my memories of a four-year-old.

I, unlike everyone else, choose to owe none of this to Zero. He does not deserve my praise or honor, after he left my people deserted for that single year. In his absence, my brother was killed, although if Zero was not off on his own, pretending to be dead, he may have been saved.

But instead, I kneel right now at the grave of my brother, a place I have visited every day for the past four years, and left a flower.

Many flowers lay here now, some of them bright and vivid, some saggy, most dead. I tend to remove the dead ones so his grave may remain aesthetic, but I won't today. Hopefully, they will ascend into the soil and make it fertile, burying themselves along with my brother. Then, he and the flowers will be reborn together, and retain the beauty they once had. Chūshi would appreciate it; he loved beautiful things.

Chūshi was six years older than me; he was nineteen when he had died. His death was supposedly an accident, as the Brittanians had claimed, but I know now it could not possibly have been. They said he had stolen an item from a Brittanian vendor, then in his haste to leave, was run-over by a passing car. He had not died immediatley, but later in the hospital, from internal bleeding. The doctors, who resented the Japanese refused to give him proper and immediate care, although his injuries were so severe that it wouldn't have made much difference. The vendor he had "stolen" from and a witness had consulted with my family, telling them their tale of what happened. I could tell from their eyes they were lying though; you would have to be blind to not see the smile they tried so hard to contain. Chūshi's body would not have been so mangled if it were a car accident, either. He was obviously beaten, with all his ribs broken and a cracked skull. I still believe he had not been killed because he had stolen something; instead, I believe he was killed because he had something stolen from him.

His rights, and his country. Even his race; no longer was he Japanese, but an Eleven.

During that dark time, being such was as good a reason as any to kill a person.

"Ikidōri..." I hear a voice whisper behind me. I continue to kneel, but bow my head, and lay today's flower on my brother's grave. It sits atop the rest; it looks almost like a pyramid, the way they're all stacked and supporting eachother. I turn my head half-way and look at the speaker from my periphials. "Yes, Mother?" I say, although my voice has a certain tone to it; a tone that she prefers I do not use.

I can't help it. She knows I don't like being disturbed while I'm visiting Chūshi.

"Ikidōri..." she says again, _her _tone slightly more sharp, so much that it rankles me mildly, "...please come inside for breakfast. You have school soon." When I turn and look at her, I can tell she is uncomfortable being here. She hates being here almost as much as I hate her being here; she claims that seeing Chūshi's grave "brings back too many harrowing memories." She shuffles her feet, a bit nervously, and points her thumb towards our house.

Arguing with her is tempting. I want to turn back to my brother and speak to him; at the same time, I want to snap at my mother and tell her that just because she chooses to neglect Chūshi, and the ignorance of Zero, does not mean that I have to follow in her ways. But already, her expression is pained and I notice her breathing become a little faster. Instead of ignoring her request, I kiss my hand and press it to the headstone before standing. I bow to the grave and turn, starting to walk past my mother.

She takes a quick step, and is beside me. I feel her reach down and grab my hand, gripping it in the same way she did when Emperor Lelouch was killed. She squeezes it. _Zero! Zero! Zero! _I'm overcome with chills. I pull my hand away, and look at her sideways. My mother seems upset, hurt even, that I rejected her hand. I pity my mother, really. I pity how she is tendor and sensitive to the world, and is troubled by everything in her past, so much that she refuses to visit the restplace of her first child. I pity the fact that she is naive to the damage that Zero had actually fluctuated in his selfish absence, and instead looks to him as a hero, as the other morons do. She is heedless in the fashion that she lives, and is oblivious to the truth.

I remove my shoes, slide the door that leads to the kitchen open, and step in. The smell of rice is fragrant this morning, as it is on any other. Rice for breakfast, every day. Rice is all my mother will agree to cook.

I eat lunch at school, and my mother is still at work at dinnertime. Then, I cook for myself an actual meal, instead of just white rice.

My mother knows how to cook many things, or, I suppose, used to. During the war, money became very limited, and rice was affordable and plentiful. She bought a lot of it, and over the years, eating rice all the time became routine. Now it is all she is willing to buy, and if I want a wider variety of food, I buy the ingredients and cook it myself.

I don't mind it all that much though; I like rice, and so did Chūshi.

I sit down at the low-rise table and criss-cross my legs. I sip idly at the tea that is turning cold in front of me, while the rice on the stove boils. Behind me, my mother is humming to herself a tune that she probably heard on the radio. She taps her stirring spoon on the counter to a rhythm, and her humming becomes repetitive. One-two, one-two, one-two. The pot of rice begins to boil over, and she stirs it and puts a cover on it. One-two, one-two, one-two. I take another sip of the bland tea. One-two, one-two, one-two. _Zero! Zero! Zero!_

It's there again; the screaming and chanting and celebrating is echoing in my head. _Everyone is crying. My mother is holding my hand much too tightly; she's crying along with everyone. She's crying far harder than she did for my brother. Blood is spilling all over the ground, and people are walking through it._ _They are jumping in it like puddles. It's all over their feet, all over it. Why do they keep stepping in it? Don't they realize it will stain their toes and shoes? Zero! Zero! Zero! Mother is hugging me. She's strangling me with her bear hug and I can't breathe. I can't freaking breathe. Will I die? Will I die just like Chūshi? Will Mother cry for me, just how she is now? There's more blood. It's leaking everywhere. It's coming over here. Don't touch me. Don't stain my feet like you've stained Japan and the hands of Emperor Lelouch. Zero! Zero! Zero!_

I stand up. My mother turns and looks at me, placing her demonic spoon on the counter. "Are you alright, Ikidōri?" She takes my hand and starts massaging my palm. "You look pale. Are you alright?" I snatch my hand away from her. She looks hurt again.

"Yes, Mother. I am fine, don't worry." I whisper, and then turn around and walk towards the door. I grab my school bag off the rack near the door and sling it over my shoulder, sliding the door open with a heave. I slip on my school shoes and start to run down the steps and to the driveway, where I mount my bicycle and kick the brake up. "Ikidōri, wait!" my mother screams out the door so the whole neighborhood can hear, "You did not have any breakfast!" "I'm not hungry!" I yell back to her, and start to pedal out of the driveway and into the street. I hear her yelling something else, but the wind and distance make it inaudible. I keep pedaling; all I want to do it get to school. I have some sort of peace there.

The road is gravelly under the tires of my bike, and I bounce slightly as I pedal along the side of the road to avoid cars. I see other students walking to school, and some older ones driving. I will never drive; I am perfectly content with my bicycle. Besides, cars are deadly. I do not believe the story that my brother was killed by a car, but I am still skeptic about the machines.

I stop pedaling at an intersection, and wait for a chance to bike across the street. Mounted on a building nearby is a giant television screen, broadcasting the News. A few people crowd around it, and listen to the newscaster.

A picture of Empress Nunally and Zero flashes across the screen. The Empress is shaking hands with the leader of some country I'll never be privileged enough to visit, with her aide by her side. Empress Nunally is smiling. The newscaster is saying something about a diplomatic emergency in the foreign country, of which the Empress worked to resolve alongside the leader.

My eyes fixate on the purple and black mask. Beyond the dark lens, I don't see any sign of happiness, victory, or achievement on Zero's face. As far as I can tell, he is as blank and expressionless as the mask he wears now.

There's a break in the line of cars, and I pedal across.

I reach my school. _Ashford Academy, _reads the large plaque outside of the parking lot, _Araiansu to heiwa no gakkō. _School of Alliance and Peace. The school was open to only Brittanian students in the past, but Empress Nunally forced it to allow all students. She had attended it, along with her brother Lelouch. It was rumored that Zero also went to school here, though no one is sure. Regardless, I would be disgusted if he did. I would be disgusted to go to a school where someone as ignorant as he did.

I chain my bike to a rack where others have locked theirs after getting off the seat. I run my hands down the front of my skirt to smooth out the wrinkles, and walk ten feet to the front doors of the school. Many students are already here; some live here during the year if they do not live close-by. Groups of friends are meeting with eachother, huddled around in circles.

"Did you hear?" one girl whispers to another, though she is hardly quiet, "Empress Nunally and Zero are going to be married!" They both giggle. I stiffen. Married? _Married? _Empress Nunally, the savior of Japan and the reconstructor of justice is going to let her mind be corrupted by the ignorance and selfishness of Zero? I thought I had faith in her. Hopefully she will say it's not true. It's just a rumor.

"Ikidōri!" I hear a voice call behind me, and I am suddenly pushed forward. I turn and see Junko, a friend of mine, smiling. She's always smiling. There hasn't been a day that I've known her that she was not cheerful. She reaches over and links her arm in mine; I don't protest. Together, we begin to ascend down te hallway and into our homeroom, which does not start in another eight minutes. Junko does not speak along the way; she knows that I can be irritable in the morning. I respect her for that.

Other students begin filing into the classroom. I do not overhear anything more about a supposed wedding; it was a rumor. My teacher enters the room a few minutes later, and slams a stack of papers down on the desk.

"Good morning, class." she says bitterly.

"Good morning, Sensei." we reply. She nods, and we sit down.

She takes attendance quickly, and class starts. She passes out a test, which I did not realize we were taking today. No matter, I excel in this class. Acing this without studying will not be a chore.

The other students fall silent as she finishes passing out the exams, and with a wave of her hand we are allowed to begin. I can hear pencils skirting across paper and desk, some faster than others. I write at my own pace; despite the ignorance and simplicity of all the people around me, I will not let myself be faltered. I am smart. Chūshi was smart, too. He taught me things he learned in school when I was younger, and so I know much more than all these other people here. I am better than them; I posess more competence than them. Chūshi would be proud of me. Chūshi would agree with me when I say all of these people here are unconcious to the world. They idolize cowards. They are cowards themselves.

Although I try to focus only on my test, the person to my right is tapping on their desk with their pencil, obviously stuck on a question. Moron. He taps and taps and taps, incessant and clearly determined to drive me insane. I'm losing my focus. Tap. Tap. Tap. I don't know the answer. Tap. Tap. Tap.

_Zero! Zero! Zero!_

No.

This is not the time. I need to pay attention to my exam. I need to get a good grade on this. Tap. Tap. Tap. I consider reaching over and snapping his pencil in half. Am I the only person who finds it annoying? Tap. Tap. Tap. Next question...nothing. I don't understand what they're asking. How am I supposed to solve this? Tap. Tap. Tap. We never learned this. What does this even mean? _Zero! Zero! Zero! _It's not my fault. It's not my fault we never learned this. Chūshi never taught me this; he must have never known it either. _Zero! Zero! Zero! _It's not our fault. No one else will get this either, will they? Chūshi, why didn't you teach me this? _Zero! Zero! Zero!_ It's not your fault, Chūshi. Don't worry about it; no one blames you. Tap. Tap. Tap. _Zero! Zero! Zero!_

_He is dead. Emperor Lelouch is dead, and Chūshi is dead too. Was there this much blood when Chūshi died? Did people see it and cheer? Zero! Zero! Zero! Why are people cheering for Zero? He's selfish; he betrayed us all! Mother, stop it! Stop cheering; stop holding my hand so tight! You look insane, Mother. You look insane, get some help. You did not cry like this when Chūshi died, you monster. You're crying tears of joy now. Were you crying tears of joy then, too? You did not love Chūshi. I'm the only person who loved him! He was your son and you hated him! If you did not hate him so much, then you would have given him money! If he had money, he would not have stolen and gotten himself killed! Wait, no; that wasn't his fault! Stop manipulating me with your lies, Mother! You're just like Zero. You're selfish. Go cheer for him! Go cheer for your precious hero! Zero! Zero! Zero! _

I raise my hand.

"May I be excused?" I say quietly, though loud enough that the teacher can hear me. She nods, almost sympathetically. Am I pale again? I do feel a little faint. I just need to go to the nurse and lay down.

Except, when I exit the classroom, I don't go to the nurse. I head towards the Ladie's Restroom, down the hallway. When I open the door, there's no one inside. That's good, I just need some downtime. Hopefully, when I get back, that boy won't be tapping his pencil so incessantly. Imbecile. Doesn't he have any respect for other people?

I enter a stall and lean against the metal wall; there's graffiti in here, little sharpie drawings and hearts.

I reach down and unhook my belt from my skirt. Perhaps I just need to use the toilet. I probably just have an upset stomach, which is giving me a headache and making me feel faint.

Except, I don't use the bathroom. Instead, I mold it into the shape of a loop, and rehook it again so it's in a circular shape. I rest it on the metal fastener that is attatched to the stall door. I don't want to lose it, of course. God forbid I lose my belt; if I do, I'll be out of dresscode and then I'll get a detention. I could not afford to get a detention, after all. Detentions are for those who have given up on their lives.

I could never; I have a future. I know better than to give up on myself.

I'm bored now; my stomach isn't as upset as I thought. It does not hurt at all. I won't even use the toilet. But I don't want to go back to class. That boy is definetley not done tapping yet. I'll just wait in here. There's no one to bother me in here. _I'm safe in here. I love it here. I'm alone here. _

I begin pacing around the stall, in the small amount of space there actually is to move around. Maybe my stomach does hurt. No, I don't think so. I'm probably just dizzy because I haven't eaten breakfast. I should have eaten the rice. The room is spinning. Why is it spinning so much? I can't concentrate like this if I go back to class. I won't focus and I'll fail. I can't be a failure. _I am not a failure. _

_Zero! Zero! Zero! _

The room is spinning; my head is spinning. I should have eaten. Maybe, it's my shoulders that hurt? It's strange, they suddenly hurt, they just hurt so bad, and now it's giving me a headache, and that's making me dizzy. Maybe I need to stretch my shoulders.

Maybe I need to lighten the load that they have been carrying?

I move over to where the belt rests in a loop on the hook. This should work to stretch my shoulders. I strain myself to position my head in, and then I jump so that the belt digs in my neck. I was right. It does wonders on my shoulders.

I hear, I _feel, _a snap. A crack. No more pain.

I'll have no trouble focusing now.

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><p><strong>Fin.<strong>

For those who do not understand it: _Three years after Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia is slain by Zero, the world and Japan are beginning to rebuild themselves. Zero is idolized for having defeated and ended the sequence of Britannian dictators, as Nunally now reigns and the world is at peace. Ikidōri, a fifteen-year-old, resents Zero however, for having dissappeared for a year while the Japanese needed him. During that time, Ikidōri's brother was killed in a car accident, although she refuses to believe it was her brother's fault and unreasonably blames his death on Zero's absence and murder by Britannians. Because her mother holds respect for Zero, Ikidōri also resents her mother, and anyone else who shows appreciation towards him. She is traumatized by her brother's death, and partially from having seen Lelouch's gorey death, and little things set her off, while most of the time she is very celf-centered. In the end, she decides she can't handle the trauma, and decides she is done lying to herself and blaming everyone around her carelessly for the death of her brother. She kills herself, but cannot even come to the realization that she is unstable while doing so._

If that even makes sense.

I am fully aware that Lelouch is Zero and Zero is Suzaku and all that jazz, and that Zero did not dissappear on purpose, and Lelouch was all good and dandy. But Ikidōri didn't know. So keep it a secret.

And I guess I should point out that the Nunally-Zero marriage thing was a rumor, although I'm a total Nunally/Suzaku Shipper.


End file.
